I admire anyone who has a passion for what they love. There’s nothing more inspiring than a proactive person. A person who quietly possesses strong focus is so endearing it hurts. To get to that place takes a self motivated, present character who doesn’t let external entities or unfortunate circumstances discourage them from accomplishing their goals.

The loudest person in the room is usually the most torn inside. 

I get on with people better when i’m by myself. 

I no longer eat or sleep. 

(And no. It’s not because of love.) 

Food makes me ill and i get nightmares.  

i need TIME. 

So today I was on the phone to a good friend of mine.

She asked me if I expected my life to be where it is right now.

I said no.

Children are innocent and excitable. They try anything and explore everything. Putting a foot out of place is actually a lesson being learnt and all consequences are soon forgotten. I remember spending a few minutes making a decision: sometimes just making a choice and taking the repercussions as they come.

Adulthood (or the transition into) is taking its toll on me. I am anti-social, selective with company, and have become a dysfunctional robot. 100% of input results in 10% output taking the form of facial expressions, academia and calories burnt by travelling all over the congested city of London. The lost 90% is a muddled confusion of messages in my brain.  I lie on a daily basis by responding with ‘I’m fine’ to the predictable question of ‘how are you?’ If we are asked this question several times a day, why do we continue to lie? Because society would whisk me off to a psychiatric ward if I was to reply with ‘I feel bored, demotivated, stressed, fatigued, angry, PISSED OFF, exhausted. I have money problems, car problems, work problems, family problems, people problems…’ several times everyday. So I’ll just smile. And stick to ‘I’m fine.’ Oh yes, let’s not forget the paranoia that comes with adulthood. You have your small everyday lies, and then you have your big lies that you have to listen to more often than you’d like. Let’s just say that I have become a highly skilled interrogator. I can even do it without the person knowing they’re being interrogated. The trick is to let somebody earn your trust rather than giving a level of trust by default.

I can now store emotional information and less factual information. This is not good. My arguments have become irrational and dramatic with more flailing and tears than comprehensible words.

I’ve become a poor speaker.

I cut people out of my life if they do not benefit me in any way, shape or form.

Maintaining relationships drain me.

I used to have my life planned out, but now I do the best with what I’m dealing with. Life has a way of being in control. I can’t control who enters my life, but I can control who stays… I can’t control the personalities of my family, but I can adapt and make it work… And you’d think you could control the grades you earn in school. If I’m not good at a topic and I only have so much time, I can use my time effectively, but I cannot add time to the time I’ve already been given. The maximum I am able to achieve takes my work ethic and TIME LEFT into account. I can be in control of one of these parameters.

I’ve become sensitive to everything.

I like looking after people.

I ramble.