I wrote this when i was thirteen.

It was the first piece of creative writing outside of school work i had done. It was triggered by the diagnosis of my youngest sister with Autism, when she was two. I’d like for you to remember that every person with autism is different and should be treated as individuals, just like you and me. I had written this poem to highlight some consistent characteristics of autism… and to raise awareness.

Why do people talk behind my back?

Laugh at me, taunt me ‘cos I can’t keep on track? 

Many people say i belong in an institution

Just ‘cos I can’t do a simple calculation.

What is the point in sitting in lessons

Pencil in hand, answering questions?

I don’t understand what we learn anyway

I’d rather just stand alone outside and play. 

Whenever i get accused of doing wrong

The teacher sings the same old song.

“Look at me! Stop being rude!” 

“Don’t you see it’s hard for me? I’m not being crude.” 

I’m lonely, i admit it

It’s been routine for years.

Kids punch me and tease me.

It all ends in tears. 

I get badgered week after week to read out loud. 

Just so people can witness the ridiculous way i sound. 

I have a bad habit of getting attached to things.

Like my you rattle or the telephone that rings. 

I have sensitive skin, a raindrop is all it takes.

I feel like i’ve been stabbed by knives or wooden stakes. 

As you know, i don’t have a special friend.

So i bought a pet, just to pretend. 

I smiled down at my new pet rabbit expectantly. 

It grins back, like a child who has just received candy. 

At home there is laughing, arguing, screaming. 

Television, radio and telephones ringing. 

All this noise makes it hard to concentrate.

It would be a lot easier if the family co-operate. 

Firstly the television is on, just wait your turn.

It might not bother you, but it makes my eardrums burn. 

Being lonely has made me as quiet as a mouse.

It’s like i don’t exist in my very own house. 

I can’t take it anymore.

I think i might explode.

I can’t express myself. 

I might as well speak in code. 

My parents are trying.

Why can’t they just see? 

I’m different to everyone.

Who surrounds me. 

My brothers and sisters ignore me. 

Like i’m not there. 

Am i that annoying?

Am i that hard to bear? 

Everyone is always poking fun.

Calling me the crazy one. 

One of our biggest downfalls as women is our constant need for attention. 

Here’s a warning for the ladies.

A certain type of guy exists which we must be wary of. Or rather, there are guys who exist who can morph into the guy we must be wary of. I call him “Mr Ultimatum”.

Growing up, we’re used to the type of guy who will pursue a girl for sex. He’ll be upfront in asking for what he wants. He’ll ask you to come over, tell you how sexy you are, squeeze your bum, or take you to see a late night movie in a cinema five minutes from his place…

Easy enough to avoid, right? He’s telling you what he wants. I mean, if we’re not looking for “just sex” we can easily say “no thanks”, move on, and never wonder if he was The One. Clearly, he was one of many.

However, there is another type of guy who can manipulate a girl into thinking she’s too safe, no fun… and boring. No girl wants to hear that she’s boring. With the Mr Ultimatum strategy I am about to describe step by step, he can worm his way in with all your trust and the worst thing is that it will end exactly the way you expected it to.

1)  He’s your friend one moment… the next he distances himself.

You both were great friends. You talked all the time, he didn’t mind hanging out with you whenever you wanted to… you both always had a lot in common and the conversation was innocent and friendly. Before you knew it however, your messages went unanswered, he’d make excuses to come off the phone to you after the 30 minute mark, he doesn’t laugh as freely with you as he used to and it seems like the biggest struggle to meet up with him .You start to feel as though he’s avoiding you. And you wouldn’t mind just accepting that it’s the gradual ending to a friendship, except for the fact that this transition from “friend” to “not friends” happened far too suddenly. So you start to wonder if it was something you did. He makes you feel like you’re not doing enough for him as a friend, as though you aren’t good enough to hang out with him because your company is now BORING.

2)  He disses you. Especially in front of his friends.

He knows this is the quickest way to make you feel like horse crap. The worse about yourself you feel, the quicker you’ll conform and end up in his bed to make him rate you again. Silly, but this is girl logic.

3)  Behind closed doors however, he’s a sweet talker.

He has to let you know somehow that he wants you around.  So he’ll feed you a few sentimental stories, confide in you a bit so you feel sympathy for his difficult past. Then he’ll feed you compliments. Nothing more intriguing and flattering than a meany-by-day giving you the rear compliment by night. Far more effective than the guy who throws compliments around, right?

4)  Don’t be fooled girls…

Whether he grew tired of taking the nice guy approach, started to see you in a more sexually desired way, or is on a rampage… don’t take this manipulation lightly. He’s basically presenting you with an ultimatum. He doesn’t want to be on speaking terms with you unless you’re willing to spread your legs.

This can go one of two ways;

A)  You start to think: “Maybe I can change him. Maybe if I go to his place and show him how good I am in bed he’ll want me around all the time. Then he’ll want to get to know me, take me on dates and we’ll have a relationship.”

This will result in you falling for him and asking for far more than he’s willing to give. Your actions have caused him to never want to change. If he is getting it for free, why would he want to change his game plan? He definitely doesn’t respect you (in the way you want him to) now. And when you finally realise this, and cut it off, he’s going to walk away smiling because you’ve just saved him all the trouble of breaking it off. He’s already had you… why would he miss it when there are more females who can do the same thing right around the corner?

Or

B)  “He’s disrespecting me in front of his friends, ignoring my messages, doesn’t want to take me anywhere special and PUBLIC. Sounds to me like he just wants the P. No thanks.”

He’ll stop talking to you altogether. But that’s okay. The hard part will be realising that you’re not getting attention at all from him anymore but this is better than being ploughed through during detached sex (and other activities). The best part will be being able to smile when you DO see him, because he hasn’t hurt you. You’re intact. Classy and dignified. He may resent you, but who cares what he thinks? At the end of the day, he has RESPECT for a woman who knows her boundaries, who respects her body and does not give things away for free. Don’t expect him to show that he now respects you however. The moment he does, other girls will start respecting themselves and then he’ll have no more to manipulate… Anyway, you don’t need validation to know that you are a beautiful and desired woman. 

PYT.

You ask her how she got so far without being tried

You ask how she got away

And tell her what you’d do to her if you had her.

She smirks. Twinkle in her eye and she turns away.

You expect her to allow that to happen?

She’s lasted this long and you think your blunt one-liners will be the tipping point?

Boy, please. 

I’m often misunderstood.

But very rarely, I stumble across people who completely and utterly GET me. They are searching for what I’m searching for. The beauty in this world that nobody can find. Yes, sure, show me a photograph of a sunset or the mountains or whatever and I probably won’t care…it’s a photograph taken by somebody I don’t personally know. That takes away 70% of the story for me. I think the beauty this world possesses starts from the people within it.

We are incredibly complex.

I find it beautiful, the way the people we love most become like, our clan. We would die for these people. We love them so intensely that when we’re next to them, we feel their energy.

If you want to trust that I love you, then listen to me. I say “I LOVE YOU” countless times a day to people I truly love. Even if they don’t love me back. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? That we let them know?

I’ve fallen in love immediately with people before. With others its taken time and experiences shared. I love them all the same.

I pray that these people are never taken away from me. When I feel like I might lose them, it feels as though a ton of bricks have fallen on my heart. I go numb inside. I become blind, deaf and mute all at once. My world is black and bleak.

Why am I still breathing right now?

They’re going. I should be going too.

They’re gone. I should be gone too.

I know that loved ones cannot be with you forever. So who sold me this dream?! When did I buy it? I want my money back!

It doesn’t make sense to me that somebody can be there one day, then gone the next. These tears are warm. From years of warm love slowly brewing from the depths of my self, of my heart.

If the people I care about take advantage of the care and love and attention I give them, I do not care! I would rather be used again and again than ever miss telling that person how much I care about them. Women are ridiculed for being weak in love. I’m guilty of doing the ridiculing too. But me, as a woman, as a person… I feel a lot all of the time. I embrace that. You have your good girls and you have your bad girls. Bad b*tches. Treat men bad to keep them coming back. Treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen.

Ha.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no pushover. I stand up for myself and pick my battles carefully. If I’m passionate about something, I will defend my corner. But I am a lady. I’ve met so many ladies in my final year of university. It truly has been a pleasure… I don’t even think they know (if they were to ever read this) that I’m talking about them. But I’m proud. I’ve witnessed some boys become men in this final year of university also…

Well, I’ll put this post down to mindless rambling.

But one more thing… I have a fragile heart. My heart literally and physically hurts when I feel emotional pain. And when I feel happiness, it pounds a million heart beats a second… Well, I suppose that’s not good for me either.

But whenever I meet another person like this, it’s magical. I’m telling you.

I have to say it… I’m in love.

I’m in love with the smile in my mum’s voice when she’s just poured her heart out to me over the phone… because she knows she knows she can trust me more than any other person she knows, because she made me.

I’m in love with the joy in my little sister’s eyes every time she sees me. She knows that I will consistently be in her life and never leave her. 

I’m in love with my friend’s laughter. I did that. And I’m not the slightest bit funny! But I bring them elation. 

I’m in love with the way my clothes contort about  my body.. I’m in love with the sound that projects from my voice.. the melodic tunes that fight to fall over one another to convey the emotion of being in love.

I’m in love with the talents of the many people around me. The singers, the poets, the dancers, the athletes, the actors… I’m in love with the emotion they shake out of me. I’m in love with the tears that never fail to cascade from my eyes when I feel such love because tears are my comfort. Oh Lord.

I’m in love with the fight in my soul… I’m in love with those who fight for me when I cannot. My mother and father.

I’m in love with the opportunities I have been granted by my forefathers.

I’m in love with every person who has forgiven me for the wrongs I have done.

I’m even in love with the people who came and left because I know they gave me a beautiful time when they were there.

I’m in love with God… and these blessings he has gifted me with.