LifeBlogJones

Me Covering Miguel’s “P is Mine”.

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 20:18:57 -0400

Me Covering Miguel’s “P is Mine”.

Through the Mind of an Autistic Child...

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 13:07:00 -0400

I wrote this when i was thirteen.

It was the first piece of creative writing outside of school work i had done. It was triggered by the diagnosis of my youngest sister with Autism, when she was two. I’d like for you to remember that every person with autism is different and should be treated as individuals, just like you and me. I had written this poem to highlight some consistent characteristics of autism… and to raise awareness.

Why do people talk behind my back?

Laugh at me, taunt me ‘cos I can’t keep on track?

Many people say i belong in an institution

Just ‘cos I can’t do a simple calculation.

What is the point in sitting in lessons

Pencil in hand, answering questions?

I don’t understand what we learn anyway

I’d rather just stand alone outside and play.

Whenever i get accused of doing wrong

The teacher sings the same old song.

“Look at me! Stop being rude!”

“Don’t you see it’s hard for me? I’m not being crude.”

I’m lonely, i admit it

It’s been routine for years.

Kids punch me and tease me.

It all ends in tears.

I get badgered week after week to read out loud.

Just so people can witness the ridiculous way i sound.

I have a bad habit of getting attached to things.

Like my you rattle or the telephone that rings.

I have sensitive skin, a raindrop is all it takes.

I feel like i’ve been stabbed by knives or wooden stakes.

As you know, i don’t have a special friend.

So i bought a pet, just to pretend.

I smiled down at my new pet rabbit expectantly.

It grins back, like a child who has just received candy.

At home there is laughing, arguing, screaming.

Television, radio and telephones ringing.

All this noise makes it hard to concentrate.

It would be a lot easier if the family co-operate.

Firstly the television is on, just wait your turn.

It might not bother you, but it makes my eardrums burn.

Being lonely has made me as quiet as a mouse.

It’s like i don’t exist in my very own house.

I can’t take it anymore.

I think i might explode.

I can’t express myself.

I might as well speak in code.

My parents are trying.

Why can’t they just see?

I’m different to everyone.

Who surrounds me.

My brothers and sisters ignore me.

Like i’m not there.

Am i that annoying?

Am i that hard to bear?

Everyone is always poking fun.

Calling me the crazy one.

One of our biggest downfalls as women is our constant need for attention.

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 20:43:00 -0400

One of our biggest downfalls as women is our constant need for attention.

Mr Ultimatum.

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 20:37:18 -0400

Here’s a warning for the ladies.

A certain type of guy exists which we must be wary of. Or rather, there are guys who exist who can morph into the guy we must be wary of. I call him “Mr Ultimatum”.

Growing up, we’re used to the type of guy who will pursue a girl for sex. He’ll be upfront in asking for what he wants. He’ll ask you to come over, tell you how sexy you are, squeeze your bum, or take you to see a late night movie in a cinema five minutes from his place…

Easy enough to avoid, right? He’s telling you what he wants. I mean, if we’re not looking for “just sex” we can easily say “no thanks”, move on, and never wonder if he was The One. Clearly, he was one of many.

However, there is another type of guy who can manipulate a girl into thinking she’s too safe, no fun… and boring. No girl wants to hear that she’s boring. With the Mr Ultimatum strategy I am about to describe step by step, he can worm his way in with all your trust and the worst thing is that it will end exactly the way you expected it to.

1) He’s your friend one moment… the next he distances himself.

You both were great friends. You talked all the time, he didn’t mind hanging out with you whenever you wanted to… you both always had a lot in common and the conversation was innocent and friendly. Before you knew it however, your messages went unanswered, he’d make excuses to come off the phone to you after the 30 minute mark, he doesn’t laugh as freely with you as he used to and it seems like the biggest struggle to meet up with him .You start to feel as though he’s avoiding you. And you wouldn’t mind just accepting that it’s the gradual ending to a friendship, except for the fact that this transition from “friend” to “not friends” happened far too suddenly. So you start to wonder if it was something you did. He makes you feel like you’re not doing enough for him as a friend, as though you aren’t good enough to hang out with him because your company is now BORING.

2) He disses you. Especially in front of his friends.

He knows this is the quickest way to make you feel like horse crap. The worse about yourself you feel, the quicker you’ll conform and end up in his bed to make him rate you again. Silly, but this is girl logic.

3) Behind closed doors however, he’s a sweet talker.

He has to let you know somehow that he wants you around. So he’ll feed you a few sentimental stories, confide in you a bit so you feel sympathy for his difficult past. Then he’ll feed you compliments. Nothing more intriguing and flattering than a meany-by-day giving you the rear compliment by night. Far more effective than the guy who throws compliments around, right?

4) Don’t be fooled girls…

Whether he grew tired of taking the nice guy approach, started to see you in a more sexually desired way, or is on a rampage… don’t take this manipulation lightly. He’s basically presenting you with an ultimatum. He doesn’t want to be on speaking terms with you unless you’re willing to spread your legs.

This can go one of two ways;

A) You start to think: “Maybe I can change him. Maybe if I go to his place and show him how good I am in bed he’ll want me around all the time. Then he’ll want to get to know me, take me on dates and we’ll have a relationship.”

This will result in you falling for him and asking for far more than he’s willing to give. Your actions have caused him to never want to change. If he is getting it for free, why would he want to change his game plan? He definitely doesn’t respect you (in the way you want him to) now. And when you finally realise this, and cut it off, he’s going to walk away smiling because you’ve just saved him all the trouble of breaking it off. He’s already had you… why would he miss it when there are more females who can do the same thing right around the corner?

B) “He’s disrespecting me in front of his friends, ignoring my messages, doesn’t want to take me anywhere special and PUBLIC. Sounds to me like he just wants the P. No thanks.”

He’ll stop talking to you altogether. But that’s okay. The hard part will be realising that you’re not getting attention at all from him anymore but this is better than being ploughed through during detached sex (and other activities). The best part will be being able to smile when you DO see him, because he hasn’t hurt you. You’re intact. Classy and dignified. He may resent you, but who cares what he thinks? At the end of the day, he has RESPECT for a woman who knows her boundaries, who respects her body and does not give things away for free. Don’t expect him to show that he now respects you however. The moment he does, other girls will start respecting themselves and then he’ll have no more to manipulate… Anyway, you don’t need validation to know that you are a beautiful and desired woman.

PYT.

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 19:15:00 -0400

PYT.

You ask her how she got so far without being tried

You ask how she got away

And tell her what you’d do to her if you had her.

She smirks. Twinkle in her eye and she turns away.

You expect her to allow that to happen?

She’s lasted this long and you think your blunt one-liners will be the tipping point?

Boy, please.

Dear Diary...

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 14:19:00 -0500

I’m often misunderstood.

But very rarely, I stumble across people who completely and utterly GET me. They are searching for what I’m searching for. The beauty in this world that nobody can find. Yes, sure, show me a photograph of a sunset or the mountains or whatever and I probably won’t care…it’s a photograph taken by somebody I don’t personally know. That takes away 70% of the story for me. I think the beauty this world possesses starts from the people within it.

We are incredibly complex.

I find it beautiful, the way the people we love most become like, our clan. We would die for these people. We love them so intensely that when we’re next to them, we feel their energy.

If you want to trust that I love you, then listen to me. I say “I LOVE YOU” countless times a day to people I truly love. Even if they don’t love me back. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? That we let them know?

I’ve fallen in love immediately with people before. With others its taken time and experiences shared. I love them all the same.

I pray that these people are never taken away from me. When I feel like I might lose them, it feels as though a ton of bricks have fallen on my heart. I go numb inside. I become blind, deaf and mute all at once. My world is black and bleak.

Why am I still breathing right now?

They’re going. I should be going too.

They’re gone. I should be gone too.

I know that loved ones cannot be with you forever. So who sold me this dream?! When did I buy it? I want my money back!

It doesn’t make sense to me that somebody can be there one day, then gone the next. These tears are warm. From years of warm love slowly brewing from the depths of my self, of my heart.

If the people I care about take advantage of the care and love and attention I give them, I do not care! I would rather be used again and again than ever miss telling that person how much I care about them. Women are ridiculed for being weak in love. I’m guilty of doing the ridiculing too. But me, as a woman, as a person… I feel a lot all of the time. I embrace that. You have your good girls and you have your bad girls. Bad b*tches. Treat men bad to keep them coming back. Treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen.

Ha.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no pushover. I stand up for myself and pick my battles carefully. If I’m passionate about something, I will defend my corner. But I am a lady. I’ve met so many ladies in my final year of university. It truly has been a pleasure… I don’t even think they know (if they were to ever read this) that I’m talking about them. But I’m proud. I’ve witnessed some boys become men in this final year of university also…

Well, I’ll put this post down to mindless rambling.

But one more thing… I have a fragile heart. My heart literally and physically hurts when I feel emotional pain. And when I feel happiness, it pounds a million heart beats a second… Well, I suppose that’s not good for me either.

But whenever I meet another person like this, it’s magical. I’m telling you.

I'm in Love

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 13:50:00 -0500

I have to say it… I’m in love.

I’m in love with the smile in my mum’s voice when she’s just poured her heart out to me over the phone… because she knows she knows she can trust me more than any other person she knows, because she made me.

I’m in love with the joy in my little sister’s eyes every time she sees me. She knows that I will consistently be in her life and never leave her.

I’m in love with my friend’s laughter. I did that. And I’m not the slightest bit funny! But I bring them elation.

I’m in love with the way my clothes contort about my body.. I’m in love with the sound that projects from my voice.. the melodic tunes that fight to fall over one another to convey the emotion of being in love.

I’m in love with the talents of the many people around me. The singers, the poets, the dancers, the athletes, the actors… I’m in love with the emotion they shake out of me. I’m in love with the tears that never fail to cascade from my eyes when I feel such love because tears are my comfort. Oh Lord.

I’m in love with the fight in my soul… I’m in love with those who fight for me when I cannot. My mother and father.

I’m in love with the opportunities I have been granted by my forefathers.

I’m in love with every person who has forgiven me for the wrongs I have done.

I’m even in love with the people who came and left because I know they gave me a beautiful time when they were there.

I’m in love with God… and these blessings he has gifted me with.

Me Covering “I’ll Be There” J x

Sun, 20 Jan 2013 07:00:26 -0500

Me Covering “I’ll Be There”

J x

Me remixing The Weeknd’s- Wicked Games. Headphones on,...

Sun, 20 Jan 2013 06:45:50 -0500

Me remixing The Weeknd’s- Wicked Games.

Headphones on, High Volume.

J x

Me covering/remixing Echoes of Silence by The...

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 17:35:00 -0500

Me covering/remixing Echoes of Silence by The Weeknd.

Headphones on.. this is to be listened to on high volume.

Enjoy.

J x

Grace

Sat, 27 Oct 2012 20:02:00 -0400

She was young at heart but old in her ways. A classic sort of beauty; soft and sweet. She knew what she wanted and what was best for her. Although the superego was in sync with the ego, her id routinely came out to play.

Her spirit poured from her eyes; she was gracious through every meaning of the word. Despite her emanated innocence, radiating like a house on fire, her passion for her past and future experiences burned in her gaze- her soul captured yours and it was wonderful.

She had hope. In a world where one should break, where there should be despair from being let down day after day, from one person to another, she remained faithful that love always prevailed. She smiled in turmoil. A pillar of strength, integrity and pride.

She was a ball of fire. A melting pot of untold stories, desires and secrets. What made her more intriguing was that she was completely and utterly unaware of the power she possessed…

She loved until she begged for her love to be taken from her without consent. Already generated, readily distributed. Those who felt undeserving threw it back in her face at such a pace, in an unworldly haste. So she assumed the plié, clicked her heels and bounded and twirled, until the harsh words meant nothing to her, all the while a smile to her front and a proud posture to her back. Then she hurled the words back in the weirdest order.

They were dumbfounded, confused, frustrated, annoyed! Their intent to hurt failed.

She always did say it was about time things changed around here.

J x

Rules in Love

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 07:26:00 -0400

To actively look for love is futile. Love is unselfish. Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is easy. Actively ‘looking’ is one of the most selfish and unkind things you can do to yourself and your potential Love (whoever he/she may be) and through looking you will be unknowingly pushing Your Love away.

Love has no particular order, and so the following musings on a few aspects of the period before love, you may never experience. Lucky.

Love is a force. Acknowledgment

Upon meeting a person you are attracted to, your human nature goes into animal mode. You want to actively make this person yours. We are not built to immediately love another unselfishly. We’re selfish creatures! And for this reason, I do not believe in love at first sight.

Love is the force and we are the pawns. It’s like a game of chess. You begin with tiny one- to- two step moves from the small pawns. They do not seem to make a great difference to whether you are winning or not. They are unsuspecting and unthreatening. Soon however, they will be in the correct position to set up the bigger and more influential pieces to create that checkmate. The second you deviate from the master plan however, the point of all earlier moves are untied and you could lose in an instant. So keep listening, let love take the lead. Don’t force Love, or It’ll resent you and backfire.

It’s time to make a decision. Honesty

This is where time comes into play. I’ve written about the relation of time and love before; they need one another. Outside of the two lovers are external forces such as war and peace, friendship, family, career, education, jobs, money, materialism, pressure, natural disasters, religion, commitments… the list is endless. So where does time for love fit in? It doesn’t fit in. It glides with life in perfect harmony should you let the force work independently and listen for your cue to partake. Every interaction in courtship/dating/friendship is crucial. And so, let’s back track. After meeting a person you are attracted to, it is time to make a decision. Before you do anything, ask yourself this: Do you want this person to be Your Love, or a lustful challenge? I will not judge you; no person can. So be honest with yourself, or everything will go horribly wrong after this.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Commitment

You just cannot. Love may be kind and unselfish, but one thing it is not is stupid. Love is a commitment, a promise, and if you cannot promise to be devoted to the master plan of the chess game from the early stages, Love will abandon you and you will never meet Your Love. Don’t waste Love’s time please. Just don’t.

What are the ways you can show lack of commitment, you ask? In practical terms, by pursuing lustful challenges and sweet talking the one you want to make Your Love simultaneously.

Two things happen while you are doing this. You see, they are separate ‘games’. One is chess, the other checkers. (Guess which one is which)

You are functioning in two time zones. Checkers is fast paced and quite predictable after the first few moves. You jump a lot of steps in one go the further into the game you get and should you win, you’ve usually cleared the board of all the opponent’s pieces. Chess on the other hand, as I’ve described previously, can go either way during the game, so as a result, it’s slower. Your Love will be around longer to see all the quick lustful challenges you are pursuing and will immediately run in the opposite direction with all his/her pieces still intact, and you with nothing to gain. Free will; she/he can abandon the game if they want to. And you have lost Your Love.

So you think you won’t get caught? You can date/see/talk to whomever you please because you are single? Love is not daft. This force will set up the elements of life to get you caught. Thus, it will take you longer to meet Your Love.

Listen for your cue, and then partake. Spiritual confirmation.

You may be thinking by this time “How do I even know if this person is attracted to me in the same way I am attracted to them?” “Am I their Love?”

Now, it is possible to achieve some level of affection from any person you please- what you do not have control over is the type of affection that person has for you.

To them, you could be a chess opponent or simply just an opponent in a game of checkers. It’s fine if you’re both playing the same game; perfect in fact! But it hurts when you both realise you are playing different games. Oh, no wonder the other person is breaking all the rules. Time to jump ship!

So you are probably thinking “how do I recognise where I stand, what is my limit with this person, and how will I know before I’m in too deep?”

Indeed, the aim here is to not lose all your pieces if you are a checkers opponent. (And remember that it is possible to go from a Love to a lustful challenge) So listen for instructions then act accordingly. You can apply this advice to all aspects of your life. To Know is a confirmation that a promise will be fulfilled. When you are promised from God, it seems 100 percent possible: not a doubt in your mind that it will not happen and so the journey to achieving what is possible is easy. It may not be quick, but easy enough for you not to be impatient. Remember, Love is patient. Love is that grade you want, that job you seek, that partner you want, the dream car you envisage, the good health for your family you crave, the beautiful friends you yearn for. Love is patient. Love is the fulfilment of your ambitions. Honesty enables you to commit your heart, mind, body and soul to fulfilling your ambitions. Conviction can be sudden (or seem to be gradual if you are not yet a naturally conscious person) and through Knowing what path you are to follow, you will get everything you’ve only ever dreamed of.

So let’s apply this to Your Love. Be conscious of your actions, what you say and how you behave. Listen to them. Do not only hear what you want to hear. Have self control. It is so easy to sabotage yourself and say the wrong thing which incurs a high probability of ruining the entire courtship. Build something substantial and let God take the lead. Stop doing it all on your own… you do not know what the other person is thinking or feeling. What a person says or does may not be aligned with what they feel or Know. Keep evaluating whether you are being selfish or not. Selfishness is unloving and you will not be rewarded for it. It’s you and the forces that are in this together.

But what can you practically do to get Your Love? Listen to them, build a substantial relationship. Ask questions to yourself and them. Is this what I want? Will they love me for who I am? Will they get bored of me?

And what if Your Love, after getting to know them as a friend, wasn’t all you thought they were cracked up to be? You have realised this before engaging in a relationship with them and hurting their feelings (an understatement, I know).

The human mind is so deep and complex. Isn’t it worrying that we pass hundreds of strangers a day in the street, sit three centimetres away from a stranger on the train, and never once acknowledge their presence. And why are they strange-rs? Are they strange? Aren’t we all the same? There is nothing more beautiful, enlightening, complex, incredible, and exhilarating than the human mind. Explore your potential. Simplistic approach to something as powerful as love can often end up in heartbreak.

J x

The right way to be.

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 17:50:00 -0400

I don’t know what’s the right way to be. Aggressive is sexy and if I’m passive, you reject me. You want classy not trashy, yet if I want to classily talk it out its not stimulating.

Hair up, hair down.

Breasts out, no modesty.

Legs covered, no controversy. Provocation is excitement and humility is boring.

What do you want from me, so that you can want me? I’ll be your mother, your sister, your boy, your toy, then maybe you’d be down forever. Or I’ll be your flip flopper, sloppy, you like that you can bring that out of me. Enter my cool, reverse the roles… have me coming back for more, make me think that I’m sure, it all seems so raw, therefore, I see it as the thrill of it all, clutch at straws… to keep it the way it is.

It’s like a test for women. If I succeed I won’t know until years later. Human beings want instant gratification so I’ll consciously fail just to feel your presence. Just to see that look on your face… that lasts 5 seconds.

J x

Now Let's Be Honest...

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 21:19:42 -0400

I haven’t written in a while and that’s mostly due to my feeling of dishonesty towards myself. How can you write about your experiences to others when you can’t even be genuine to yourself?

So I gave myself some time, as I owe it to myself. It’s only healthy.

Now something funny happened while I was giving myself this time; I lost contact with a couple people, and I developed an enhanced shopping problem. From this, I concluded that I was looking for something.

I had fallen out of touch with myself, so boy does it feel good to be back home. Life is filled with red herrings, deceit and camouflage… but when you are conscious, present and honest with every decision you make, you will be okay. Whether its deciding on starting a friendship with a person you’ve just met or telling a person you consider a friend something near and dear to your heart for support, consult the Man upstairs first, or at least speak openly to yourself about your decision.

Now those people I’ve lost contact with… we all know what we can handle. We know who makes us happy and those who do not. There is nothing to feel guilty about when it comes to protecting your spirit and there is certainly nothing selfish about surrounding yourself with those who have the ability to help and allow positive growth of your spirit.

Not being able to conform to this society doesn’t make you strange or abnormal. It also doesn’t make you weak. Heck… it doesn’t even make you ‘unique’. You’d be surprised to know the number of people pretending to enjoy “what everybody else is doing” just to be deemed ‘normal’.

There are many times, particularly in past friendships, where I’ve felt like it was me who wasn’t normal. I’ve been called ‘naïve’, ‘too innocent’ and ‘oblivious’ or just simply ‘not getting it’. The people who called me these things had (and currently have) a lifestyle I do not condone. So just because I didn’t take part and join in with these activities, they assumed I did not know this lifestyle existed, and so I am naïve. I do not have to take part to be aware of its existence.

I have sinned, we all have, and we will continue to in various ways as we are human… but when you know better, and you sin anyway? That’s when we have a problem. Because you are not being honest with yourself.

You are the only person in the world you can trust. So when you’re even lying to yourself, don’t expect anyone else to stop you from doing something you’ll regret.

Don’t worry about what anybody else is doing. You can’t change a person and as much as you’d like to, you can never help somebody enough. Only they can find peace within themselves. So be the role model and help others by helping yourself first. Create a positive atmosphere. Pray and your priorities will be revealed to you. And when they’re revealed to you, pray about it some more. Speak aloud and be honest with yourself. The power of the tongue is immense. A person can have truth in their heart, a lie on their tongue and the tongue is what is heard by those who do not have peace… that’s when you will not be able to handle an attack from the enemy as smoothly as you could of.

Be truthful with what you are feeling as feelings can be a problem majority of the time and you cannot deal with a problem until you acknowledge it first.

J x

Me singing ‘Never Felt This Way’ :)

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 06:57:03 -0400

Me singing ‘Never Felt This Way’ :)

Me singing ‘How Come You Don’t Call Me’ x

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 06:55:50 -0400

Me singing ‘How Come You Don’t Call Me’ x

Me singing Robin Thicke’s ‘Sex Therapy’ !

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 06:50:00 -0400

Me singing Robin Thicke’s ‘Sex Therapy’ !

The world is such a horrible and unsafe place. I just wanna chill with God.

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 12:36:56 -0400

The world is such a horrible and unsafe place.

I just wanna chill with God.

I admire anyone who has a passion for what they love. There’s nothing more inspiring than a...

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 00:09:00 -0400

I admire anyone who has a passion for what they love. There’s nothing more inspiring than a proactive person. A person who quietly possesses strong focus is so endearing it hurts. To get to that place takes a self motivated, present character who doesn’t let external entities or unfortunate circumstances discourage them from accomplishing their goals.

The loudest person in the room is usually the most torn inside.

I get on with people better when i’m by myself.

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 09:21:00 -0400

I get on with people better when i’m by myself.